


Wistful Thinking

by Dandeleonss



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Hop has a situational stutter, Hop is bad at feelings, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Leon gives bad advice usually, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Marnie is a close friend to Bede, Marnie plays cupid, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Rose is mentioned, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Trans Male Character, Trans bede, bede is bad at feelings, gloria is champion, its mentioned that hop and gloria dated but like shhhh, marnie and gloria are a secondary ship, post game antics, slowburn babey!!, there's a lot more characters to add later but bleh, victor and hop aren't endgame sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-02-19
Packaged: 2021-02-19 13:00:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22177927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dandeleonss/pseuds/Dandeleonss
Summary: Inadequacy and pining don't mix, and Hop doesn't cope well with said emotions, but little does he know, he's not alone in his epiphany.
Relationships: Beet | Bede/Hop, Dande | Leon/Kibana | Raihan, Hop/Masaru | Victor, Mary | Marnie/Yuuri | Gloria, Rurina | Nessa/Sonia
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	1. Wyndon Tower

  
  


It was a chilly night in Wyndon. The calm air was nippy, but even colder up in the city’s tower. Without the Chairman and the Macro Cosmos workers inhabiting it, the building became desolate. Only certain people were allowed to enter, though one could only wonder why anyone would want to. It was a barren inside and out. All the belongings of the Chairman and his company were either left to his former pupil, who begrudgingly accepted them, or were given away. There was nothing to see or do in the tower, but the top was a place for a certain trainer to collect his thoughts.

  
  


The trainer shakily sighs as he looks over the city below him. Everything was so small. Small and insignificant, like himself. He shakes his head. _This isn’t the place to think like that Hop._ He silently reminds himself. _You don’t want to get caught up in negativity and…_ Tears began to well in those golden eyes of his as he scoots from the edge. Dying wasn’t the thing he feared, but his clouded mind was. The self loathing he struggles with and inferiority complex he sports would be his downfall and he knew this, but spending time on Galar’s largest building always gave him a new sense of appreciation afterwards. 

It took every ounce of self control he had to not listen to the voice in the back of his head. The one that told him it wouldn’t matter if he took a dive off the tower. The one that repeated every painful comment people threw at him. Furthermore, the one that reminds him that while he pours his heart into everything he does, it will only to amount to nothing in comparison to his peers and Leon. 

He winces, bawling up his fists and lightly slams his one of his hands against the metal. The whole platform shakes and he almost regrets his choices. Almost. On one hand, if that’s how he goes out, there'll be no more sorrow, no grief, no pain. For him that is. He’s quickly reminded that those feelings would travel to those who _do_ care about him. Gloria, Victor, Piers, Marnie, Leon, Raihan, and Sonia, just to name a few. 

With them in mind, he does what Lee taught him long ago, and takes a long, deep breath and closes his eyes. He does nothing, feels nothing and sees nothing. Nothing can hurt him, not the voices in his head, not the harsh words that have been said, not even the feeling of inadequacy can knock him dead. The airy breeze gently gusts by him and he feels like he’s on top of the world. A smile begins to grace his features as he opens his once teary eyes and stares up at the sky.

From there, he knows he’ll be okay. At least for a little while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, this is my first 'official' fic and most of my motive to write spurs late at night, so if there's any errors let me know.
> 
> This is also a heads up that most chapters don't follow a specific format, so some will be only for certain characters and others will have multiple, as well as some being longer, or shorter(like this one). Also this chapter does have art based off of it so if you could check it out, that'd be extra neat ! 
> 
> https://squibbedoodles.tumblr.com/day/2019/12/30


	2. Glimwood Tangle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bede goes to the Glimwood Tangle after a rough day at the gym. Things go emotionally awry, but he isn't completely alone.
> 
> [Content Warning]
> 
> There's a LOT of heavy material in this, such as referenced previous self harm, dysphoria, disturbing imagery(mild) and overall not having a good time until the end. Please be cautious when reading! ;w;/

The Glimwood Tangle was vast, typically, it’s a place many trainers wouldn’t dare to venture into alone, especially when in a mood as sour as Bede’s. The risk of Hattrem attacks were prominent, but he didn’t care, he needed a good distraction, and if that meant being clonked on the head by a walking hat, he wasn’t complaining.

The fairy gym leader found himself walking through the forest outside of Ballonlea in attempts to cool off. He didn’t feel like himself in his own skin, which affected his ability to battle. His usual tactical grace was absent for the past few matches, and it was noticeable to the point where one of the challengers questioned if he was feeling alright. It angered him to feel pitied, but then again, he admittedly had a hard time deciphering between genuine concern and cynical comments on occasion. However that wasn’t what got under his skin though, the source of his unease came from dysphoria.

He aimlessly trucked on through the thicket, like a sharpedo he had to keep moving, or be ruined. He figured if he stopped, the thoughts would come rushing back, and unfortunately that wasn’t the case. As he wandered further into the forest, his self loathing and warped perception of himself worsened.

 _How are you going to manage a gym if you can’t even manage your emotions?_ He thought to himself bitterly. _You’re better than this! Why now are you letting this define you?_ His pace slowed. _You’ve never doubted yourself before, why are you starting to do this now?_ He lied, hoping to put up a believable front, though he didn’t know for who. “Damn it…” The daunting feeling of tears threatening to fall began to set in. “Who am I kidding? I’m not a…” He hesitated, and broke, repeating what a challenger once said to him. It stung like a joltik bite.

He’d been in that forest for a few hours now, curled up near some luminescent shrubs and mushrooms, some of which he assumed were Morelull, but he didn’t want to disturb them more than he probably already had. Tears stained his face and dyed his eyes red. He wrapped his arms around his chest while an irrational pit of dread formed in his stomach, which didn’t even feel like it was part of him anymore. No part of his body felt like it was his, all he had was his mind, everything else was just thrown together with it. In his time of wallowing, he became no one, and nothing, only existing as the embodiment of discomfort, stress and anger.

Every few minutes he’d be plagued by disturbing visions and thoughts, which were caused by the nearby mushroom pokemon preying upon his vulnerabilities. The memories of his parental induced panic attack came rushing back. The image of his mother on the kitchen floor with no signs other than pills replayed in his head in a loop with a broken picture frame and his father’s grimace. He felt compelled and trapped between traumas and his self loathing, he couldn’t go anywhere or do anything besides wait it out. Even if he shoo’ed the hallucination inducing pokemon away, the damage had been done and he’d have to tolerate it.

Time passed, the hallucinations died out, and his tightly shut eyes hesitantly opened when he heard footsteps draw near and stop, which he knew didn’t belong to a pokemon. It was another trainer who stood a few steps away. Bede could barely make out a face concern and the identity of the figure, but once he heard the voice, he knew.

“Bede..?” He squinted before visibly drawing back. “Eugh… you don’t look too hot, er… uh, do you… need to talk?”

_It was Hop._

The blonde stayed silent, but sat up, which made the nearby pokemon scatter. He felt like an empty husk as he peered up at the junior professor. The cue he gave was subtle, a gentle tap on the soft patch of grass next to him.

Hop seemed surprised at the gesture, noting Bede’s usually prickly attitude was replaced by passiveness. As he sat, he couldn’t help but notice how red and puffy his eyes were, and the slight iron-y smell. It wasn’t any of his business, but he knew blood, and it worried him. “So… what happened? Um- if I can ask that.” He knew he was in tricky territory.

“It’s okay.” Bede paused, unsure of how to start. Eventually, he found the right words, and went on about his dilemma, and afflictions. He was hesitant on talking about his dysphoria, but he couldn’t dodge around it. Tears once again threatened to fall once more as he continued, and he failed to notice the open wounds under his sleeves until Hop’s attention was caught on them. His voice faltered along with his pride.

The purple haired boy didn’t waste time on taking the first aid kit from his bag, and asked for permission to treat his rival’s injuries. Once granted, although begrudgingly, Hop rolled up his bloody sleeves and went to work. Looking over the re-opened scratches and occasionally stealing glances from their owner. He could only imagine what intense emotions lay behind Bede’s unreadable expression. The silence between them grew heavy as time passed on, and by the time Hop finished disinfecting, dressing and wrapping the gym leader’s arms, the quiet tension was finally broken.

“... what were you doing out here anyway?” Bede suddenly asked, his tone was unusually light considering the circumstances. “Shouldn’t you be studying with the Professor?”

He blinked, not sure of the answer himself. “A little birdie told me I should pay a visit. Didn’t expect it to turn out like this though.” He dryly chuckled, wanting to make light of what just happened. “I’m glad I did though.”

“Don’t get sappy on me.” Slowly but surely he was getting back to his old self. “... thank you though. I needed someone to confide in.” The platinum blonde rose to his feet for the first time in a couple of hours. He could feel himself grow lightheaded, but didn’t want to put a damper on the mood more than he already has. “I’m going home.” He took a few steps before calling back to him. “You can come along, if you want that is. It’s only the polite thing to do after you bandaged me back up.”

Hop smiled from ear to ear as he rose up and followed the staggering boy to the colorful little village of Bellonlea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeesh, hopefully things weren't too messy or badly written, but ! Happier things are to come I can promise you that :]
> 
> Also sorry for taking so long to update this ! I haven't had much of a drive to write lately but I'm hopefully getting back into the swing of things.


End file.
